But it was just…

NavelGazing Midwife has written a thought-provoking post on birth trauma and birth rape.

One thing that stood out to me (probably because of the recent posts “At least you have a healthy baby” and “You should be grateful“) was the discussion of trauma in the setting of societal norms. In part,

Is Postpartum Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PPPTSD) an illness of luxury? If we were huddled in a migrant camp, would we really be concerned that the doctor pushed our legs apart to do a vaginal exam? Or would the multi-rape experiences overshadow the minimal intrusion the roaming doctor or midwife does.

Is PPPTSD judged by societal norms?

When I was in sexual assault self-help groups (almost always led by therapists), there was a tendency among the women to rate the abuse, almost always minimizing their own. “Well, I was just sexually abused at twelve from the guy next door. She was six and it was her brother. She had it much worse than I did.” Over and over, we had to remind each other (and be reminded) that rating the abuse discounted our own.

This is one of the angles I was searching for — maybe I hit on it well, maybe not — in those posts. If we compare outcomes, results, feelings, failings, etc., we will probably find that we are both better off and worse off than others — comparatively speaking. But should we compare ourselves with ourselves? That’s not wise. If we compare ourselves and our situations with how good they could be, we can always find something lacking. If we compare ourselves and our situations with how bad they could be, we can always see that it could be worse. But does the fact that we are not the lowest of the low mitigate the fact that we are in some way suffering and/or in pain? Why should we compare the level of violation we feel to what someone else “must feel” from having been violated in a different way? Is that helpful? If it is, then perhaps we should; but I don’t think that it really is helpful.

In one way, it is this “comparative way of thinking” that may embolden some people to continue acting in a hurtful way. “Well, sure, I did X, but at least it wasn’t as bad as what this guy over here did!” Using that criteria and logic (or illogic), a mass murderer could justify himself by saying, “At least I didn’t murder millions of people, like Hitler and Stalin did — I only raped and murdered 50 women!” ?!?!?!? “Well I may have raped 10 women, but at least I didn’t molest any children!” ?!?!?!? Are comparisons really even valid, when you’re comparing a rotten apple to a rotten orange? They’re both rotten fruit! — why try to make it sound like either one is acceptable?!

One of the first comments on NGM’s post was from Rixa:

Pain (or suffering) is like a gas: it fills the available space, no matter how small or big.

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